I get so many people asking if their fantasies are normal, and the answer is an overwhelming yes! That said, so many of us have internalized shame around sexual fantasies, so before talking to your partner, do some reflection with yourself. A great way to know how to talk about fantasies for the first time is having that convo with yourself. Underneath every fantasy is a sense of curiosity: a healthy, human emotion. When you zoom out and look at your fantasy, what are you curious about?
It’s Okay To Fantasise
First of all, almost everyone has some kind of fantasy. Whether it’s imagining having sex with someone, or thinking about a particular act, or having a really detailed story with different characters. Most if not all of us have some kind of fantasy (even if it isn’t a sexual fantasy). A lot of people don’t realise that. Fantasies are not something that we really talk about very much. There’s very little sex education about it and it’s not something we often talk to each other about. So having any kind of fantasy can be quite disturbing if we don’t think it’s okay or ‘normal’ to fantasise.
See this about Sex Dreams vs Real Life Sex
Also, what we have been taught about sex and fantasies can also affect how we feel about the fantasies that we are having. If we are taught that sexual thoughts are wrong, immoral or sinful, then when we have a fantasy we may feel really bad about ourselves. So you might want to think about what you’ve been taught about having sexual thoughts. Perhaps you could think more generally about what you’ve been taught about sex and relationships from an early age: from those looking after you, friends, peers, media, news etc etc. How useful are they to you? Do you believe in these things now? What’s right for you?
Fantasy vs Reality
Thinking about eating chocolate isn’t the same as actually eating chocolate (mmm chocolate). Having a fantasy isn’t the same as reality. Just because you have a fantasy doesn’t mean that you will want to act on it. It doesn’t mean that this fantasy isn’t the only thing you might find exciting. It doesn’t have to affect how you want to identify yourself.
This is all good because there are some fantasies that you can’t do: either because they are illegal or non-consensual or really harmful. Or might involve something that doesn’t even exist – like a dragon or a talking plant. It’s really common to have fantasies that you would find really really difficult to do, even in real life. It’s also really common for fantasies to be really far away from what you may actually find exciting to actually do.
Trying Not To Fantasise
Fantasies are thoughts and it’s hard not to have thoughts. It’s really difficult to not think about a thing even if we are told not to think about a thing. In fact, sometimes being told not to think about a thing can make it harder not to think about a thing. Anyone who’s tried meditation, mindfulness practice or yoga will tell you how hard it is not to think. It’s also easy to get distracted and to think about other things when we want to think about something else.
So if try really hard to not think about a thing and then get very angry with yourself when you do, it’s not going to help. You will only make things harder because you will also now be angry. Don’t add more difficult feelings to difficult feelings – cos then everything will be more difficult.
How Can I Deal With It?
So if you do worry about fantasies the first thing that you need to do is to slow down and just try to notice what’s happening. If you try to make yourself stop fantasising, it’s probably not going to work. Just notice that you are having the fantasy rather than just getting angry at you. Try to be more gentle and say to yourself, ‘oh, I’m having that fantasy. It’s just a thought, that’s okay.’ If you find it a bit distressing just treat it like you are having a nightmare. You could do something else, turn over, turn a light on, try to think about different thoughts, read something or watch something.
However, if you are able to, you could stay with it a bit to see what’s happening. Psychotherapists who have done a lot of work in this area (like the humanistic therapist Jack Morin – his book is really good) believe that the best way to help deal with troubling fantasies is not to try and shut them off but to really gently think about them a little bit. If you gently allow yourself to be interested or curious about what you are fantasising about then it can help you to work out what is going on but can also help you to make them a little smaller.